The narcissist lies on a daily basis. In fact it’s often almost impossible to distinguish truth from lie. They spin us around so much that we don’t know which way is up!
But why do they do it? This video explores the reasons behind why a narcissist lies.
The everyday lies
You will hear these on a daily basis and at first you would have believed them. But now that the wool has been pulled from your eyes, you can see the reality and extent of the problem.
I love you
We might as well start with the biggest lie of all! I have previously explored the issue of love and the narcissist and believe that the narcissist does experience an attachment. But attachment isn’t love. It’s conditional upon you meeting their needs. It’s a one way process. And love is not. True love requires empathy. Therefore they are not capable of loving.
However, that does not mean that your feelings we not real. Or that something was wrong with you. You gave your love freely and that is wonderful. Don’t change.
The narcissist will say anything to reduce their own pain levels. They will promise you the earth as long as you stop looking for the truth. The phrase “they’d sell their own grandma” sums it up perfectly. It taps into our belief that they can change and want to be better people. We desperately want what we feel to be real. We want to believe that WE can help them to change.
But they can’t. They don’t want to. They just want you to stop peeling back the layers of their lies.
It’s not my fault, it’s yours
The ultimate projection tactic. No matter what they do, it is your fault. Again they tap into our own insecurities. Most of us normal, healthy range people are happy to accept responsibility for our actions. And so if there is a problem we will automatically look at what we did to contribute to it. This of course is perfect for the narcissist. A willing scapegoat.
They can’t accept responsibility for their own behaviours and faults because they believe that people are either all good or all bad. Therefore if they do something bad, that must make them all bad and they are so desperate to maintain their grandiose sense of self. They will NEVER accept responsibility. And they believe that to be the truth. Therefore in their eyes they are not lying.
There are also some themes around the lies narcissists tell. How many have you heard?
- They are in the military – this fits into their “hero” persona. Even if they have been in the military they will share their stories excessively.
- Deeply religious – narcissist love to hide behind the sanctity of religion. They can commit all sorts of atrocious behaviours but act “hollier-than-thou” because they are so close to God. Some will even claim they are God!
- Highly educated – they have to be the smartest person in the room so will make up all sorts of qualifications in order to achieve that aim.
- Sex/cheating – the narcissist will use sex to express their power over others. They will withdraw it until they get what they want. They will cheat. They will use sex to meet another need (e.g. pregnancy). This will often mean that they are aloof during sex and whilst it may be passionate, it never really feels like a deep connection has been made.
- False identities – some may go as far as actually having numerous alias’, fake ID and everything, but they all will present a different personality depending on the audience. They are shape-shifters.
- Tall stories – they will have done everything and got the t-shirt and they will have done it bigger and better than anyone else. Serious one-up-man-ship at play.
- Financial – they will over-exaggerate their financial situation in order to appear to be someone they are not. They will get into debt in order to “keep up with the Jones'”. They will hide the truth about your financial situation. Money and control are inextricably linked and the narcissist will use it to exploit you and others.
The bottom line is that the narcissist rarely tells the truth. The truth is the natural enemy of a narcissist. My philosophy was to always assume it was a lie and if, on the rare occasion I was wrong, I would apologise. And boy if I ever was wrong was it shoved in my face like they were so virtuous!
I would love to hear your experiences and how you dealt with the constant lying. Please do comment below or contact me if you need further support.