This post has been written on Valentines Day because for many people it can highlight the loneliness after narcissistic abuse and so I wanted to provide a remedy, to help you overcome that feeling and let go of any negative self thoughts you might be having today with 4 ways to deal with the loneliness
Perhaps you are missing the narcissist or they have got back in touch and you are feeling yourself drawn to them. If so please watch this video I recorded yesterday which looks at the narcissists motivation for contacting you before Valentines Day.
Hopefully that has given you a reality check which is enough to resist the lovebombing!
Sometimes it is better to be alone. Nobody can hurt you
What is loneliness?
The official definition of loneliness is:
sadness because one has no friends or company.
But I actually think that it goes deeper than that. I think you can feel lonely even when you are surrounded by friends and family. I know I have in the past. That feeling that nobody gets me or understands. So for me loneliness is more about your own personal lack of resources. And it is this which has made us vulnerable to the narcissist in the first place.
Let’s look at why loneliness and narcissistic abuse compliment one another so well.
You, like the narcissist, carry a childhood wound, a belief about yourself as being unloved and a heavy feeling of loneliness. This may be because your parents were neglectful or abusive or because you were abandoned at some point. Deep down you feel lonely. Like you have no-one.
So you go out into the adult world to find people to ease this pain. Predators, like narcissists, will pick up on this vibration you are emitting like a shark sniffs out blood. They will be drawn to you, seemingly fitting into your life as if they had already been there. Things will probably move really quickly and you are so carried away because that feeling of loneliness appears to have gone, that you ignore all those little red flags.
The narcissist pulls you in close, telling you that now you have each other you don’t need anyone else. And slowly but surely you begin to withdraw from everyone except the narcissist. But then they begin to withdraw from you. And that feeling of loneliness starts to creep back in. In desperation to fill that void, you do everything you can to pull the narcissist back to you. But they remain aloof.
You can’t talk to your friends about it as you haven’t spoken in ages. Your family, who were perhaps the original source of the loneliness, are unable to help. You are alone.
(I just wanted to make a quick note here about the difference between being alone and being lonely. Being alone is about proximity to others. Loneliness is a feeling)
Loneliness is not being alone. It’s the feeling that no-one cares
In order to seek help and ease the pain of the loneliness, you perhaps went online and started to learn about narcissists. This knowledge gave you the strength to want out. And so you left the narcissist!
This new information has also made you look at other areas of your life and realise that there are a lot of toxic people in your circle. And so you remove them as well. Good riddance!
But now you really are alone. No partner. No friends. No family. And that horrible feeling of loneliness is back. And once again your radar is emitting that frequency of loneliness and desperation. The narcissists begins circling and before you know it you are back in the cycle of abuse.
You can change
It can be hard to know how when you are alone. You feel weak and have no confidence left. Part of you just wants to give up. But don’t. There is hope. Life can be better and you never have to feel lonely again.
- Embrace the loneliness
This is the hardest part because we naturally shy away from pain, it’s an inbuilt protective mechanism. But in order to move forward you need to face your fear. Start to feel comfortable being alone. Enjoy the peace and quite. Get to know yourself and do things that make you happy. Eventually you will start to LOVE your alone time. Believe me, I do!
- Be present
When you have been abused, it is hard to let go. Narcissistic abuse can be even harder because you are often left with so many questions. Did they ever really love me? How could they do that? What is wrong with me? And we often spend a lot of time ruminating about their behaviours and this can lead to anger. In order to recover, you need to be more in control of your emotions and it starts by being present. So the next time you find your mind wondering, simply say to yourself “I’m here” and that will pull you right back into the present.
- Be authentically you
The narcissist will have stripped you of your identity which can feel terrifying when you are alone. Like you are naked. But it can also be a really huge positive. This is your chance to really get to know yourself. What is it that makes you YOU? How would you like other people to describe you? Friendly? Helpful? Successful? Loving? Take your pick. Dig deep and really discover your true self and then set about being YOU every day.
- Take time out for you
Those of us who have been abused by a narcissist, are often people pleasers. We want to help or even rescue others, which would have added to our attractiveness! We very rarely do anything for ourselves. Well now is the time to do just that. Take care of yourself. Do nice things for yourself every day. Be kind to yourself. Teaching yourself how to love YOU means that when new people come into your life, you can show them how you want to be loved!
So this Valentines Day instead of pining for the narcissist or anyone for that matter, take the time to enjoy the best relationship you have – the one with yourself.
I hope this has offered you some comfort and hope for the future. And given you some key pointers on dealing with the loneliness after narcissistic abuse. If you would like any further support please do contact me or book yourself a FREE Break Free session. I would love to help.