When you break up with a narcissist, you are saving yourself a lifetime of hurt, pain and misery. BUT if you have children together the torture does not end easily. By understanding the realities, characteristics and how to safeguard your children you are armed and ready for the battle.
- Parental Alienation
The narcissist parent will tell the child(ren) lies to scare them (e.g. “your mum/dad is going to take you away from me and we’ll never see each other again”) to try and make the child not want to see the non-narcissist parent
They will also limit or control access with the non-narcissist parent by saying when, where and how the other parent will see the children. They can use access as a way of trying to lure you back in
- Constantly Changing Plans
The narcissist parent will constantly try and make changes to pre-arranged plans in order to retain control over the situation and cause maximum disruption
- Constant Lies
A narcissist will tell services what they think they want to hear. They will paint a picture of being a perfect parent but if you join all the dots you will see that there are many holes in their stories
- Manipulation of Services
A narcissist will try to use services to meet their own needs and often will play the victim to transfer blame to the non-narcissist parent, accusing them of doing the things that they themselves have done. They may be in a position of power themselves so will use that to belittle and demean the other parent, making others believe their lies and take their side.
The narcissist will block access or holidays/outings simply to cause disruption and regain control
- Financial Control
The narcissist will use money to manipulate the non-narcissist parent, ensuring that they don’t have any money or lying that they themselves have no money to get out of paying for their children
- Maintain Control
The narcissist parent will do everything they can to maintain control over their ex partner in whatever way they can. They may not tell them about doctor’s appointments or school appointments OR give them so little notice that it is almost impossible for the other parent to attend or not turn up late which the narcissist then uses to prove how unreliable the other parent it
- Restrict/Control Visitation
The narcissist will try to dictate the terms of access and deliberately chose times when they cause the most disruption to the other parent. If they are mad with the other parent they will restrict their access. They may also make the other parent come to their house to ensure they remain under their control
- Belittle the other parent
The narcissist will pick on every little thing the other parent does, making out they are not capable and trying to get everyone else, including the children, believe that they are the better most capable parent
- False Allegations
The narcissist will attack when they are in danger of losing control and this can result in them making false allegations of violence and abuse. Women particularly use this tactic because gender stereotypes see women as the victims of abuse as opposed to the perpetrators.
- Refusal to engage
A narcissist will not want an outsider telling them what to do so will often refuse to engage with services. However, some narcissists believe they can outsmart services by telling lies and manipulating professionals. They will make out they are fully co-operative and that the other parent is the problem
- Strange and Sudden life changes
A narcissist will do whatever it takes to regain control over the other parent and this can often result in them making sudden and strange life changes. For example, a parent who has always held a good job may suddenly leave work to ensure they have no money to pay child support or to try and show that they are a dedicated parent and want to be at home for their children
- Family, Friends and New Partners
The narcissist will use their family and friends to spread lies about the ex partner. They may also get a new partner very quickly if they were the ones who ended the relationship and can even walk away from their children completely for long periods of time.
Narcissists who did not end the relationship will threaten family, friends and new partners in order to get their ex partner back under their control. They may try to contact the new partner and bully them. They will likely tell everyone how the ex has wronged them in some horrific way but then refuse to move on and maintain regular contact with the ex. They may lie and say that their ex wants them back or that their ex owes them money if anyone questions their behaviour. They can stalk, harass and intimidate anyone close to the ex and use the children to find out more about the ex’s life.
The narcissist will use family pets to inflict hurt and exact power of the other parent. They may steal, hurt or even kill pets.
The narcissist will hurt anyone who threatens their false view of themselves. This can include family members, new partners, their ex and even the children themselves. This is the ultimate act of power and control.
This is an extract from my Co-Parenting Handbook which also has information on characteristics of a narcissist parent, safeguarding children of narcissists and top tips for co-parenting with a narcissist.
I would love to hear your experiences as well though, what works and what doesn’t. If you’d like any help or advice on the process or dealing with a narcissist do get in touch at email@example.com