It's never-ending. I just want to move on but they won't let me. I feel like I will never escape"

Client attempting to divorce a narcissist Tweet

The majority of my client work is with individuals who are separated/divorced from a narcissistic ex.  They all tell a similar story – the ex simply will not let go and continues to try to control and abuse them either through the children or court (often both).

 

When you separate or divorce a narcissist, their attachment networks are activated (disorganised and avoidant) resulting in intense anxiety from three sources:

  • trauma related anxiety from the internal representations for attachment figures that contain a pattern of “abusive parent/victimized child”
  • narcissistic anxiety from the threatened collapse of narcissistic defense against the experience of core self inadequancy
  • borderline personality anxiety from an intense fear of abandonment activated by the loss of attachment figure (you)

The narcissist misattributes their anxiety as being an emotional signal that you are a threat.  

They therefore have to go all out to nullify that threat with either a fight or flight response (trauma response).  Usually they fight.

False allegations and parental alienation are common during a divorce from a narcissist as are:

  • lack of accountability (evident during the relationship as well) and blaming you for everything
  • accusations of you being an unfit parent
  • controlling and triangulating behaviours with you and the children in an attempt to navigate around your boundaries
  • gross exaggerations
  • involvement of police and other services to help with the projection (smear campaign)
  • lies and delusional thinking 

 

Getting Support

If you are just deciding to divorce your narcissistic ex, it is important you have a plan and get support.  We advise:

  • document everything
  • make copies of all documentation and keep it outside the house in case the original gets destroyed
  • ask any friends/witnesses if they would be willing to provide a statement if needed
  • interview lawyers who are familiar with personality disorders and parental alienation
  • ask for predictable scenarios or a plan of action from your lawyer
  • record every interaction with your ex (just in case)
  • increase your social media privacy
  • get therapy for you and your children (if you have them)
  • prepare yourself for the fact that your children will be used as weapons

Our Divorcing A Narcissist Short Course guides you through the process of getting ready for the divorce.  We cover:

  • The Narcissist In Court
  • The Process
  • How to Handle the Narcissist
  • Keeping Going

For those of you who have been going through the divorce process for a while we offer this advice:

  • stop trying to co-parent and find out about parallel parenting
  • get a communication app (Our Family Wizard for example)
  • document everything and record conversations
  • parental alienation WILL be attempted - ask for an expert as soon as possible
  • research your experts, have a free consultation with them, check testimonials
  • learn to manage your emotions as they will constantly try to bait you
  • get therapy for you and your children

We are The Nurturing Coach understand the dynamics and behaviours of narcissists.  We have seen and heard (as well as experienced) all the tricks in their armory.  We know the games they will play and most importantly we understand the mechanisms behind their behaviour meaning you don’t need to “hope” that we get it.  This expert insight can also help you to plan your strategy to target their weaknesses as they do yours.  

Book your free consultation

Divorcing A Narcissist

Our specialised short course will give you a head start and ensure you are prepared for the battle ahead