Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Narcissistic Tactics

Most narcissists appear to follow some kind of scriptbook as their behaviours follow a similar pattern.

It starts with lovebombing

When you meet they make you feel like you are the most important person in the universe.  You become addicted to this highs of being adored and cared for.  They are perfect.  Or so they seem….

Then comes the devaluing stage

It begins to feel like all the things they used to love about you suddenly annoys them.  You jump through all their hoops but it never feels enough.  You worry they are losing interest but when you ask them about it they accuse you of being needy or clingy.

Finally it’s the discard

Love turns to hate and you are the worst person on the planet.  Or so it feels.  You beg and plead to talk and try to work things out but they are emotionally cut off.   

It feels like hell!  Worse than anything you have ever felt before and you convince yourself it is because they were the love of your life.  You can’t stop thinking about them and want them back so badly.  But they ignore or mock you.


One day, just as you begin to feel better, they reach out.  They want to talk or they miss you.  It’s the hoovering stage!

If you go back it doesn’t take long before you are devalued again and you can’t understand why they bothered getting in touch.  It’s was all about control, knowing they could get you back.  If you stay they make your life miserable but having felt how awful it was last time you are reluctant to go through it again.  If you leave, you will face smear campaigns and flying  monkey’s, false allegations, blame and retaliation. 

This push-pull dynamic creates a trauma bond and can trigger codependency

It leaves you confused, angry, distraught and empty.  Nothing will ever be the same again.  But it can get better.  You can recover and even go on to thrive. Trust us, we have been there!

If you are recovering from narcissistic abuse and would like some one:one support, book in for a consultation with our narcissistic abuse recovery specialist Janine to see how she can support you with your recovery