Our family is supposed to be our safe place, our secure base off which to bounce into adulthood and explore the world. Our parents are supposed to nurture our confidence, self esteem, identity and independence.
Sadly, children of narcissists experience none of this and instead are left with feelings of inferiority, worthlessness, fear, insecurity, shame and anxiety.
How can a parent do that to their child?
Narcissism evolves in childhood out of trauma which impacts their internal working model (how they see themselves, others and the world). They develop a disorganised avoidant attachment style which means they see themselves as inadequate, alone and therefore must take control of others. They see others as threatening and inconsistent.
Even their own children
If you were raised by a narcissist or you are concerned your children’s other parent may be narcissistic, you may recognise these behaviours:
- the parent creates a dependency so that the child meets all of their needs
- they need everyone to think they and the family were perfect
- the child gets the blame for everything
- the child never feels appreciated or like they have any support
- the parent controls every aspect of their life including friends and choices
- they feel they can never do anything right
- there is a constant fear of violence (verbal or physical)
- they live in fear of making the parent angry
- they are offered no protection from life or others
- they have no privacy
Long Term Impact
In my practice, adult children present with poor self identity, lack of confidence and belief in themselves, low self worth, grief and shame.
In addition they often have poor boundaries and lack assertiveness and so many end up in abusive relationships where they live out the same dynamics. This can further exacerbate their feelings of worthlessness and shame.
I also work with parents who identify their ex as being narcissistic and are either struggling to co-parent or concerned about how to protect their children.
Through our work together we are able to address both the present day reality of trauma, anxiety and the continued power and control dynamic as well as heal those childhood wounds to close out this painful cycle once and for all.
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