Who Am I?
Not something I had thought about for a while.
I actually don’t know the answer to that.
Do you feel like you have given so much of yourself to making that other person happy that you left yourself behind?
Living with a narcissist becomes a process of living for that person rather than living for yourself.
We adapt ourselves to try and make them happy, we recreate to constantly impress, we live for them and long for their validation but it never comes.
So, we keep trying and going and going until we are a shell of who we used to be and a walking zombie from narcissistic drainage!
Every now and again they sprinkle that magic hope dust (love bomb dust) that goes in our eyes and blinds us from what we have been living. This dust keeps us going for yet another cycle of abuse but we cannot see it and blinded from the reality of what’s really going on here.
Years can pass and this fantasy or dream that we think will one day happen, that life that we pictured in our mind , the happy ever after unfortunately never comes. Because the person we put in this fantasy or dream does not exist and never will. It is actually their fantasy that they embedded into our mind and we really wanted some of that!
But we don’t get it yet we keep going and going, yearning and longing until something happens. Maybe our mental health suffers or physical health changes and we have no choice but to listen to our mind and body and realise something is wrong.
Of course we blame ourselves because we have been made to feel worthless and not stable and the one with the issues. How could it possibly be them. We even believe it at the time. We self-doubt and don’t remember the person we once were. Confident, smart, attractive, fun and alive. Where did I go…..
I was lucky enough to have friends and family that he did not succeed to alienate me from (but not from lack of trying) and they all stood by me.
They knew who I was.
They knew the real me before he came along.
They then saw the me that I became.
They tried to tell me many times but I dismissed it. The trouble is when your in it you can not see it for what it is. You don’t understand what is happening to you and how could it as you have a good head on your shoulders. This couldn’t possibly happen to you. Could it……
You hear what people are saying and part of you knows somethings wrong and doesn’t feel right but you know this person and its not what they think. You still hope and long for that feeling. That feeling of excitement like in the early days when you was on that pedestal. Surely it will come again. Won’t it….
I remember some days I would spend time looking for the perfect cake for my narc. Oh how he loved cakes!!! He would love a treat or a surprise and something new. I would exhaust myself looking for that something different and if I found it I would think “didn’t I do well, wait til he sees this.” I would feel my quest of the day was done as I would please him and make him happy. All the while I was knackered putting that pressure on myself and forgetting my own existence and the reason why I breathe. But hey, that new lemon icing on that finger bun was worth the effort! He loved it! Until the next day when I need to find the next thing to please him. Why can’t it just be normal!?
What did you do to please your narc?
I look back now and can not believe I could not see what was going on. Why did I not realise I was worth so much more? I deserved to be loved and be happy with a normal person that actually has empathy and can see past themselves. Someone that looks in my eyes and listens when I am talking and communicates back. Someone who can show an interest in my day and ask how I am. That can say sorry when they are wrong and resolve disagreements. Also have a sense of humour and laugh at life sometimes.
Wow can you imagine? Who is this person!
It’s a neuro–typical person who I would rather spend my life with. Yes they do exist and I found one. You could too.
I just needed to have that realisation and support that I needed to get through it. The acceptance that this has happened and what my part in this was too. I sought counselling which helped me so much. I then went on to train as a counsellor. I gained the self awareness to see what had happened and an understanding of it all. I learned so much about myself and realised that I was not crazy and was a good person that got caught up in a narcissistic relationship. I didn’t even know that existed or what a narcissist was. Bizarre really when I had lived with one.
This support and understanding helped me to move forward in my life, lift the fog in my brain and find out who I was again.
Who are you? Do you want to find out?
If you can relate to this and would like to find out more about how you can get specialist support
From someone who has been where you are then please go to www.thenurturingcoach.co.uk/support
If you are reading this you probably have an inkling already. If you are still in it and want to explore further or if you have come out the other side and want to move forward. Find out what you like, what would make you happy and most of all who you are then please get in touch.