What happens when the narcissist can no longer control you?

When the narcissist can no longer control you they will start to control others – both their view of you and the situation. They ensure all information coming out about you, them and the relationship is controlled. And when people begin to question the validity of their claims, they rage.

Narcissists have to control others. They have to control the information flow quite political in that sense that they have to ensure that all the information out there about them is what they agree to. And so they will control how others view them with the information that comes out. Any information from your household will be controlled by them. They will be the one telling people what it’s like, what your, like, what the kids are like. They will be the public face of the relationship and of the family. And this is all about that need to control. So why do they need to control? Because they can’t handle the truth. Essentially. The truth to them is their enemy, because the truth is painful for them. They, they hate themselves deep down. You wouldn’t know that to look at them because they act very self-important very grandiose.

 

But underneath all of that is a self hatred, which comes through from that childhood. But that self-hatred means that they can’t let anyone see the truth. They can’t let anyone get behind that. So they control. They control what you think. They control what you feel. They control what the kids think. Feel, behave. They, they are control Freaks essentially. And I don’t really like that term because it CA one, it really belittles well enough, there’s a mess. And honestly, people kind of use it as a badge of honor, like, Oh, we’ve got to have a bit of a control freak. If I actually, if you’ve been with someone who is enough to say, and really does and rage, when they lose control, then that’s not a helpful thing to say. It’s slightly going off point in that. But I had to forget that. Um, so they control everything.

 

And you know about your experience in that. Now I know in my situation, it was very much that this is the information that’s presented about the situation, this elements of the truth, but actually the context is completely scewed, but they are controlling that controlling what goes outside, paints everyone else in all these other lies, everyone else is the villain and then either the heroor the victim, and it’s through that control of information that goes out. Um, so what happens, what happens when they can’t do that anymore? What happens when the relationship comes to an end, when you start talking, you start telling people that actually I didn’t want it to be with them Actually it wasn’t a bed of roses. They really not the nice guy that you think they are. This is what the truth is. What happens then to the narcissist? Well, one we have narcissistic injury.

 

You’re damaging the ego and so they are going to be furious with you, that rage is going to be a enormous, that’s so angry because you’re damaging that already fragile ego. You will, you are daring to speak out against them and they have to control that. They have to try and get that control back. So what do they do? If they punish you, they will use your children. They will smear you. They will tell anyone with ears, how awful you are so that the information that you then try and get out there has already been black-listed. Essentially. It’s like in the press, say the one newspaper will say everything that X newspaper prints is a lie. The editor is this, that, and the other and you can’t trust a word that they say, so that paper, they X paper print the story. Everyone just thinks must be a lie.

 

It could be the complete truth, but people automatically think It’s a lie because of the other newspaper has told everyone that it is. So they control that process. They control that when you step out of that, they will try and regain control by controlling what everyone else thinks about you. And they will use anything they can around you to hurt you, to punish you for daring to do that and not like that’s narcissistic injury. It’s about the protection of that false self They want everyone to see them as someone with all these characteristics, but the reality is they’re actually very different. They’re like this. And you’re trying to tell everyone that like this. And so in that desperate attempt to protect this image, they will become even more. They will try to display more of these qualities so they will be love bombing everyone around them.

 

Triangulating people constantly, including their, own children. And at the same time, they will be belittling everything you say, they will be saying that you are a liar, that you are aggressive, that you are, this that and the other, and the more you try and tell people what they’re like, the more you kind of reinforce their view of them. And so again that is down to that control. They’ve always tried to control you. They tried to control everything that you think and feel about yourself. And now when you suddenly try and find your voice, they use themselves. They use everyone around them. They use all the tactics that they did at the start. And they use them on other people to make them believe that you’re that version, the version that they’ve shared with everyone, they lose it, they lose when they lose control.

 

That’s when things can get dangerous because they fly into rages. They will hurt people. They will do everything they can to cover up the truth. And I mean, everything they can. Some will run. If they’d have a lack of resources, if they don’t have money, if they don’t have powers, they don’t have influence. Then they’ll run and just start a new life somewhere else, which great, go. If they have any kind of power or influence, including the children, that they will stay and they will do whatever they can, they will make threats against you against people around you. They will hurt those that you care about all to regain that control over you and the situation and to protect anyone from seeing the truth. And so they might make threat that threatened that they will hurt someone if you do something. They believe that that threat is enough to stop the truth from coming out. They use it in court. They make false allegations. It’s all in the effort to stop the control of information, to control the information that goes out and they really can’t handle it when the truth does start to come out. And that’s why it’s so important that you have a team around you of people because they will lose it at you. They will come after you. They will be, they will make threats. They may become violent. And so it’s important that you have people around you who believe you and support you, and therefore can protect you in essence, because the more people that know the truth, the more people there are to threaten. The more people there are to threatened, the more other people start to see it and its that effects where it starts off small, but actually that ripple effect and more people knowing.

For support in dealing with a narcissistic ex, speak with one of our therapists about how we can help you to gain the strength to recover and thrive.