Why the narcissist blames you for everything

The sudden fall from grace can literally be like hitting the ground from a 10ft drop.  The person who once adored everything about you and made you feel like you were the best thing since sliced bread has turned on you faster than a spinning top and now you are a monster to them.  

When love turns to hate

When healthy people separate from someone they once loved, those feelings don’t just evaporate.  They linger and take time to gradually fade away. 

Even when you separate from an abusive person, those feelings don’t just switch off.  They can cause real discomfort because logically they know that the relationship was not good for them and their ex caused them a lot of pain, but for some reason they still care about them.  It’s because those feelings were real for you.  Your body had a natural physiological response to love and those chemicals take a while to pass through our systems.  You are also trauma bonded to that person through the process of extreme high’s and low’s in a relationship with a narcissist.  

We may blame them for lots that happened in the relationship but we just want to forget about it and move on.  

Not narcissists.  They want you to pay.  And so you get blamed for anything and everything.  And the whole world has to know about it.

Self evaluation

When my relationship ended, I wanted to understand what role I had played in the process.  From start to finish.  Why I had been attracted to him and why I found it so hard to enjoy it for what it was. I did that for me.  So that I could learn my own weaknesses and flaws and work upon them.  I evaluated myself.

Narcissists cannot do that.  The end of the relationship to them means that someone else had to be at fault because they simply can’t process that they are anything less than faultless.  It is too painful and so they push it away and onto you.  You become the target for all their rage and anger.  You are to blame.

3 Reasons Why They Blame You For Everything

They fear being seen as inferior

Divorce can feel like failure.  something didn’t work out.  For most people they grieve the loss and figure out what went wrong.  For narcissists, failure means inferiority and they CANNOT allow themselves to be viewed that way.

It causes them great pain, anxiety and embarrassment to be seen as anything but perfect and so divorce is a public statement that something isn’t perfect.

But if it can’t be them….

They have to turn you into a monster, someone that everyone will hate so that they can completely reject any notion of inferiority and project it all onto you.

You were inferior.  You were a terrible spouse who did evil things.  

That’s why it didn’t work out everyone!

Exaggerated sense of self

Once they have positioned you as the problem, their exaggerated sense of self goes to town on bigging themselves up.  The more heroic they are, the bigger the monster you become.  And the more attention they receive.

“Oh you poor thing, you are a saint for putting up with it for so long”

It feeds their ego and aligns with their false sense of self.  They internalise this praise and it becomes their truth. The more praise they get, the greater the lies become about you.  

The worse you look, the better they feel.

They require excessive attention

An easy separation would be boring to them.  No-one would rush in to save them or tell them how wonderful they are.  Blaming you allows them to continue to tell the story of what a monster you are.  It brings in extra attention from professionals and allows them to take centre stage in court.  

How do you deal with it?

  • Understanding the reasons why they behave this way can really help you to depersonalise their behaviour.  It’s nothing to do with you really, it’s about self preservation. 
  • Do you own self evaluation and learn what you brought to the table.  It’s not about blame, it’s about responsibility and self awareness.  Your ex will throw a lot of mud and so it’s important you are able to acknowledge your genuine mistakes and defend yourself against the false allegations. Knowing yourself makes this a much easier process.
  • Get support as it is not easy being the object of so much hatred. Especially from someone you once cared about.  You will be experiencing grief for the loss of a relationship you invested not just time but your heart into.  You will be angry that the person you loved and cared for does not really exist.  You will be anxious about what is to come. It’s a whirlwind of emotions and having someone to help you process it can take away some of the intensity.
  • Be prepared.  Get ahead of them, especially if you have children.  They lack empathy and are interpersonally exploitative so they WILL use the children to punish you.  If you don’t have children they will use the whole court process to destroy you through blame.  Get Court Ready will help you to prepare yourself thoroughly for the battle.

Unsure on your next steps?

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