Why you're still obsessed with the narcissist

How many times have you asked yourself “why am I still obsessed with the narcissist?”  If you’re anything like me, probably on a daily basis. One of the hardest parts about recovering from close encounter with a narcissist is the fact that you can’t seem to get them out of your head!


But why?  How is it that this person, who you really don’t want to spend another second thinking about, has burrowed their way into your brain and set up camp?  And more importantly, how do you evict them?


One of the main reasons is that you simply can’t make sense of what has happened and your brain can’t accept that.  It needs an answer, an explanation.  But you will never get one from the narcissist so you attempt to come up with your own.  This however creates something called cognitive dissonance.


Cognitive Dissonance


This is a psychological term for when you hold two or more conflicting beliefs, attitudes or behaviour at the same time.  It makes you feel uncomfortable and so you alter your behaviour to try to restore the balance.  However things aren’t that easy when you’ve been involved with a narcissist.


Their entire existence is fabricated around dissonance.  They say one thing, do another.  And so you can’t restore the balance.  You loved them but now you hate what they did to you.  You trusted them but know you can’t believe a word they say.


Your brain is always trying to make you feel better so is constantly offering up solutions to try and relieve this discomfort.  Therefore keeping them at the centre of your thoughts.


3 Ways To Reduce Cognitive Dissonance

  1. Change one or more of the attitudes, behaviour, beliefs, etc., to make the relationship between the two elements a consonant one.
  2. Acquire new information that outweighs the dissonant beliefs.
  3. Reduce the importance of the cognitions (i.e., beliefs, attitudes).

TIP:  Share your story with others.  Realising you are not alone and gaining some understanding about their behaviour will help to reduce the dissonance.


In my video 3 Reasons You Are Still Obsessed With The Narcissist I look at two other aspects which impact why you are struggling to get them out of your head.  It would really help me out if you could subscribe to the channel whilst you are there 🙂


What has helped you to get over the narcissist?  Or are you still stuck at this stage?  Do get involved and comment below, it helps me with creating more content to suit you better.


If you require any support with narcissistic abuse or parental alienation please do get in touch at enquiries@thenurturingcoach.co.uk

4 thoughts on “Why you're still obsessed with the narcissist”

  1. i have been married to a Man for 20 years i found out he had another wife 1 year afrer marring him he took 50,000 from me cheated 16 other women and i put him and his brother in jail in india they came out because i forgave him and he was going to go to his family today he has also married a women in riga and left his wife at home and is cheating her just 2 days ago he tells me hes at home and going to leave his wife he did leave her in kashmir with nothing but will return to HIS home i know i dont love him i cant hes not a man i have no respect for him i have been alone all… alone for 22 years now just thinking i need to be loyal in case i really think i can be done what do i do please help

  2. Hi Maey, I think it would be beneficial to look at the reasons you keep this person in your life when you have written a long list of reasons not to trust him. You even say you have no respect for him. I think working on the underlying reasons for why you remain loyal, despite all you know about him, will help you to make a decision about what is best for you. Please check out our support page to see how we can help you with this. Take care

  3. I Entered back into a relationship recently with my narrcissit We were child hood sweet hearts ( which i thought) he made me believe i was the love of his life, the only girl he ever cared about, the best sexual partner he ever had, according to him i was the only woman he ever loved and wanted. He showered me with gifts, love attention it was all so exciting and beautiful as i had not long came out of a abusive relationship, my narc felt like my night in shining armour that had come to save me. He doted on ny Daughter, who was from a previous relationship, gave her gifts, called her his daughter etc. After discoveing about narrcissits this stage i believe now was the love bombing stage. As time went, I noticed a change in him, he would start to ask me to do everything for him, started to ask me to borrow him money, buy him stuff, at one stage he asked if we should do joint bank accounts, i refused. I ran up and down for him and did what i was told. Then came The funny and weird behaviour, he would say he wanted space, ignored texts, became very distant, our sexual life became non existence, he would give me the cold shoulder and became very touchy and angry for no apparent reason, i believe this stage now to be the devaluation stage, at this stage i became to question my self, am i not good enough, is it me, am i a bad person, aren’t i not good enough, why is he acting like this? I was just so confused and so hurt, i started drinking and became very distance, paranoid and started to have severe anxiety, this was the man who had rescued me and my daughter, this was the man who promised to love me and never leave me. A few days after my narc was still the same however he started to give me a kiss before he left for work, call to ask if i was ok etc, but would still have shouting episodes at me, during this period his vehicle was involved in a incident so his reasons for being offish with me was because of his vehicle being of the road, he stated, he would ask me for lifts to and from work whilst his vehicle was getting repaired, he would ask to drive my car, so i let him, one evening when i picked him up from work he caused a big argument for no reason i was left in tears and not even a apology he was a different person whilst he never had his car, very nasty and very miserable. The day finally arrived when he was able to get his car, he was over the moon and asked me to drop him to get it, of course i agreed as i wanted him happy and for him to able to get his car back, on the way to pick up his car, he asked for his house keys back, i said why, he said you dont need them nomore, my legs started to shake i began to shake un controllable all he could say is i cant be around a person like you, look at you look how your shaking. I drove him to pick up his vehicle once he picked it up he was a totally different person, when we got back to his house, the mask slipped of further, i said i feel like im being used, he had the most evilist of grins i was heartbroken, all along i was being used, this wasnt real, like he made me think it was, i now understand that this was the discard stage. I have moved on but still struggling as to why he would ever do this to me, he has made me out to be something that im not to others, my soul is destroyed i have become addicted to understanding why he would do this to me, and my child, he has apparently moved on now and he is happier then he has ever been. This angers me as why should he be happy after abusing me mentally and physically. I hate this man now, but still find my self Wishing i was with him, even though, i know this aint normal.

  4. I am so sorry you have been through this horrendous ordeal. It is cruel how they treat others and the aftermath is excruciating. I hope that you will find some answers on this website and if you wanted more please do join our Facebook group at https://facebook.com/groups/TNCCommunity. Take care, Sarah

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